“I was nice to girls but that wasnt the Shawn they felt/
They said the coupe was alright but they aint like the seat belt/
I looked tight/ They told me loosen up run a couple o lights/
Spank em pull their hair, dont treat them so nice
Left me confused/ I messed with chicks who were best when abused/
Nice guys finish last were their special set of rules…”
– Jay Z
There phases that every guy goes through in their life. A couple of my guy friends have been talking about it in the past. For most guys they feel stuck. They feel they have to either be nice and be seen as “pussies” or be complete assholes.
The myth that we learn is that nice guys finish last. That isnt true.
The problem is why most guys are usually nice. Guys are petrified of rejection, its one of the biggest things we cant deal with. So when an average guy meets a girl he likes he will play it safe. He wont want to do anything risky that the girl might not like; so he hopes by playing it safe he wont ruin his chances.
A nice guy usually hopes that by being nice he can convince the girl to like him. By buying her gifts (nothing wrong with that) and doing what she wants he can manipulate her into being with him.
Im not going to generalize and say all nice guys are like this, but its a usual trait I’ve seen.
This is why I believe the Nice Guy is worse than the asshole because the Nice Guy is not being his true self. He is just being manipulative. The asshole’s selfishness is him putting himself first. (More on that later)
As a friend once said: “A nice guy is bland, boring and forgettable”
According to Society, being nice= being soft, Being an asshole= strength.
I cant lie, I worry about this at times myself. Whenever I do something genuine and caring for a girl I have to check myself and ask. “How much does this person mean to me?”
Its sad because I genuinely like doing caring things for people. But the motives behind actions are what matters. If I do something so a person will like me, I’ve failed. However If I do something simply because I do not expect a reward in any way, then Im on the right path.
Further more because alot of guys are aware of this stigma they feel like they shouldnt be nice to a woman, that they have to be a jerk. Which takes us to the next myth.
The next myth is that Women loves Assholes.
From my own experience and what I’ve grown to understand its not the asssholeness that girls like. A guy likes a girl thats a “bitch” not because she is mean; but her independence, her lack of needing anyone’s approval; That is attractive, and that is what we like.
An asshole doesnt need anyones approval he doesnt care what most people think and he entertains himself. Thats what girls find attractive. He is unapolgetic in who he is and what he wants. This excites women because they want to feel like they can control/change someone. Its Human nature to want a challenge and that which is forbidden. (Look at Eve in Genesis)
An asshole however brings a destructive streak to him. And only attracts a lower quality of women that may still be dealing with their own insecurities.
How many guys have been through the phase of being nice to a girl, getting their heart broken? and becoming assholes? How many girls have done the same thing?
A friend and I were recently sharing stories. We spoke of how when we started out in our relationships we mistook being mean for strength. Because of that we hurt so many girls in the past.
We learned that being an asshole does not make one strong and theres nothing wrong with being nice. Theres only something wrong with being weak and willing to compromise ones own values and fun to please others.
All of my closest friends who were players and abusive with women went through these phases. They had their hearts broken, became heartless, and starting playing women.; cheating on them, flaking on them etc. And then after a while they had the epiphany. They then become Good Guys.
A Good Guy is the balance of the two. He is strong and doesnt need approval, treats others with respect as he expects to be treated as well. He is loyal and positive, and cares about those around him. He is not afraid to challenge others and poke fun as well.
The Good Guy also usually attracts a higher quality of women in his life than the asshole. He usually attracts a woman who is confident has her head on her shoulders and emotionally mature.
(Strive to be the good guy)
So whenever I hear someone saying Nice Guys finish last and Assholes have all the fun I laugh to myself. Theres nothing wrong with being nice and being an asshole is not strength. Theres only something wrong with being weak and willing to compromise ones own values and fun to please others.
I’m glad I realised this when I did.
(Special thanks to Kezia as well for her insight)